oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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