It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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