Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
