Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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