Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
