So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
