drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
