I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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