my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
