im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
