I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
