so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
