if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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