I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
