I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Two words: blizzard sex
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
