He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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