xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
