Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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