So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
