apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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