Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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