you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
