just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize