i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Randomize
