anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
