Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
farters have to be the big spoon...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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