hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
