The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
