omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Randomize
