Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
false alarm, still single
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