Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
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