miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Who died my cat blue again?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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