The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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