he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
