i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
