something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
