there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
