How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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