it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
NoShamevember. You game?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
