Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
