why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
