I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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