I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
