Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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