Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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