is wine microwaveable?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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