Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
