Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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