theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
