I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm sobbing to NWA
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
