I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
