i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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