I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
