I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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