need another drink. this is the easiest way
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
