Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
