my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
