just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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