i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
