Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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